BOSTON, Mass.  An article in the New England Journal of Medicine released today indicates that people who drink from 8 to 16 glasses of wine per day, particularly red wine, feel less pain and have fewer worries than teetotallers and social drinkers.

New England Journal of Medicine “End of Summer Party” edition.

“People who are immoderate in their consumption of red wine tend to be happier and oblivious to minor injuries that do not result in the loss of vital organs,” said Dr. Alicia Niergarten, one of the study’s co-authors.  “They have redder teeth and often forget to fill their cats’ food dishes, but we were not able to establish a causal link for these phenomena.” 

“I am sending you a very important message by telepathy–MY BOWL’S EMPTY YOU WINO!”

The study examined the drinking habits of 2,700 volunteers divided into three groups; white wine, red wine, and a “control” group that was given a placebo drink consisting of warm Jello-brand gelatin.  The white wine drinkers formed book groups that read novels about men who were unfaithful to their wives, the red wine drinkers finished their bottles and went out for more, and the Jello drinkers took several hostages from an unrelated experiment using chimpanzees.

“He took me hostage–can I keep him?”

Dr. Allen Thomson, a practitioner of participatory experimentation, in which the scientist takes the dosage administered to subjects and records his or her own reaction, was confident that the group’s findings would withstand rigorous peer review.  ”This ish the best, freakin’ exshperiment anybody ever did on thish subject,” he said as he finished off a precocious petite syrah with overtones of vanilla and undertones of menace.  “And everybody at the New England Journal of Medishine is just beautiful, you know what I’m saying?”

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