Dear Abby,

My girlfriend has been really weird recently. For starters, she’s completely stopped combing her hair and now only wears old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Halloween costumes and raggedy, torn up wedding dresses that reek of tuna fish. We hardly even talk anymore; oftentimes when I attempt to speak to her she simply growls or hisses and makes strange jungle-like animal sounds and flailing arm movements. And she’s quit using utensils when we go out to eat at restaurants; she just scoops up her food with her hands and feet or buries her face into the plate and rabidly gnaws away at it.

She’s also developed a biting problem. At work, she’s been sneaking up behind administrative assistants and biting them on the arms or legs, sometimes the buttocks. You’d think she’d get fired for this, but her bosses find it amusing and take bets on whom she’ll bite next, though they have installed an electric fence around her office and have ordered her to wear a football helmet and mouthpiece on most days of the week. Perhaps this is because they want her biting assaults on administrative assistants confined to special occasions, such as Hawaiian shirt Fridays, which I can understand.

And her biting isn’t limited to her mouth or colleagues, either. Turns out she’s got “vaginal dentana,” a condition in which sharp teeth grow into and all along the vaginal canal. Obviously, this has put a damper on our sex life… But possibly worse than that is she’s been tearing off her clothes in public, assuming awkward yoga positions (like the inverted crab), yodeling, and then using her vagina to bite random people sitting at outdoor cafes. Yeah, most don’t take kindly to that, though sometimes perverts take pictures of these vaginal biting attacks and post them on the Internet. I’ve come across a couple pictures of her outdoor café vaginal biting outbursts while googling environmentally friendly toothbrushes.

I just don’t know what to do about her behavior… I want to stay with her because she’s the only person I know who doesn’t get upset when I suddenly have delusions that I’m in a Broadway musical and start spontaneously dancing and singing in public places, occasionally even at funerals and golf tournaments. And she never gets mad when I pretend my penis is two feet long and run out onto the field at professional baseball and cricket games, pull down my pants, and attempt to swing my imaginary elongated penis at the ball. It’s so hard to find somebody who accepts me as I am… All the other girls I met on that online dating site got creeped out by me quick and some even called the police and/or sprayed mace at me, especially when I’d show up to the first date wearing a surgical mask and carrying a hockey stick.

What should I do? Do you think we can make our relationship work? Please help.

Sincerely,

Confused Floridian

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